Solana Pasqual
As we grow and learn as individuals navigating new and unforeseen territories at work, school, and daily life, we inevitably come into contact with friends, family, acquaintances, and strangers. Our work and play environments may have shifted from in-person to online, but our responsibility to try to become kinder and more inclusive people than we were before has not changed. I saw this quote the other day that said: “Please take responsibility for the energy you bring into this space,” and I think that is such a concise way to understand the space that you (deservingly, I might add) take up. Here are some ways that we can all embody consent culture, and perhaps, make someone you know, or don’t, feel a little safer and more comfortable.
Understand that rape jokes are never funny
This one is pretty self-explanatory. If you find yourself thinking about whether you should make an iffy joke or not, note that there is a difference between dark, edgy humour and mean, and offensive, behaviour. You should always take into consideration the idea that the people you are making the joke to may have had previous experiences with sexual harassment, sexual assault, and/or rape that they haven’t told you about. You shouldn’t need to know someone’s past history in order to be a considerate human being.
If you do make the joke and realize that you shouldn’t have said it, apologize and make a conscious effort to watch what you’re saying. Someone doesn’t have to speak up and put themselves in an uncomfortable position for you to realize that you made a mistake. Making mistakes comes with the territory of being human, but it doesn’t excuse you from the hurt you may be inflicting onto others. Good intentions don’t cancel out consequences.
If uncertain, ask before touching someone
Everyone has a different relationship with their body, and their past experiences may influence the ways in which they feel comfortable physically interacting with their friends, family, peers, and strangers. Touching someone's elbow or shoulder may seem harmless, but that is not a decision you have the right to make. If you don’t know that person’s boundaries, ask before touching them and don’t get offended if they say no to you physically interacting with them. In the gentlest way possible, it’s not about you. And even if you know that person, and you know their general physical boundaries and preferences, sometimes, you may pick up a vibe where you feel the need to ask before touching them. Always ask.
If you practice asking people before touching them, it becomes a habit, and it makes everyone feel a lot more comfortable and valued as people. It also helps you understand how experiences and behaviours shape people, helping you become more considerate and conscious of how things you may not be aware of have an effect on other people. A general rule of thumb I like to use is: would I feel comfortable if a stranger touched me like that without asking? If the answer is no, or if you’re uncertain, just ask!
Don’t disclose personal information without asking
Consent applies to most facets of our lives, and shouldn’t just be practiced during sexual scenarios. We need to normalize consent in all areas, and one of those areas is when people tell you sensitive information. If someone discloses personal news or details to you, whether it may be about them or someone else, ask them if they would prefer you to keep it to yourself. Generally, if you feel the need to ask, it’s probably sensitive, and shouldn’t be told to others casually. If you forget to ask, the best thing to do would be to not tell anyone until you get the okay from the person who confided in you. While you may not think that what you were told is a big deal, it may be to the person who told you. It doesn’t hurt to just ask, and if you feel uncomfortable or unsafe keeping the details to yourself, tell the person first. You have the absolute right to prioritize health and safety, but if you’re in the space to, just give that person the heads up and (only if you can) the reason for needing to speak to someone else about it.
Don’t force conversations or explanations
If you feel like you need explanations or reasonings as to why someone has more boundaries than you, consider why you feel entitled to the explanation. If what the person is asking from you isn’t hurting you, themselves, or other people, you generally aren’t owed any reasoning. Respecting someone’s boundaries and choices may seem hard at first, but keep in mind that the only person you have control over is yourself (and thank god for that, imagine being responsible for everyone??). Just like how you don’t need to justify your reasons for feeling uncomfortable, or unsafe, neither does anyone else.
It may seem hurtful that someone doesn’t want to be touched or asked questions or to be around you at the moment, but it’s not up to you to demand them to answer for their decisions. Articulating boundaries is an uncomfortable and difficult thing to do during the best of times, and that person asking probably feels as awkward about it. Understanding boundaries will help you be a better friend and family member, and it may help you understand what boundaries you would like to place in order to prioritize your mental, emotional, and physical health.
Talk, listen, and learn
The best way to understand and implement consent is to talk to your loved ones and really hear what they’re saying. Everyone has different ways in which they need consent to be expressed, and you’ll only be able to know that through communicating. Normalize casually asking people if they’re okay with what you’re doing, or what you want to talk about - normalize saying no, and normalize being said no to. Most times, it’s not personal. And when people tell you, listen. Don’t automatically assume that what they’re saying doesn’t apply to you. Non-verbal communication is also just as important as verbal communication; if the vibes feel off, they probably are. If you’re picking up on the energy - or the physical body language - of a person, take a step back and ask them if they’re okay, and how you can be supportive and caring.
There’s also no harm in researching and looking up how to understand consent and how to embody consent culture. It’s not a shameful thing to not know. We all start from somewhere, and what matters is that we try and that we learn from our mistakes. It’s never too late to learn something new, and while it might momentarily hurt our egos, in the end, it helps us become more supportive, respectful, and loving people.
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