Jenna Lubsen
Content Warning: This article contains discussion of sexual violence and emotional abuse that may be emotionally triggering for readers.
Stranger danger is an initiative that we were all taught growing to keep us from harm, because the real danger is suppose to be in the unknown. This of course can be true, strangers relying on the anonymity they possess but this doesn't account for most sexual violence. Sometimes I feel as though we take a small comfort in believing that the people we hold closest are in all regards incapable of hurting us. The tragic reality is that a overwhelming majority of sexual violence is perpetrated by people the victims know, and in many cases love.
Most of us are taught that love is pure and protecting. The feeling of comfort and above all else, safety. Despite the fact that sexual violence is, in most cases, an abuse and manipulation of the love and admiration we share with others, I truly believe that real love and friendship is safe. This is why I want to begin this conversation by saying everyone is deserving and worthy of having love in their lives that are free of fear, abuse and discomfort. I have to believe that pure, unconditional love is out there for each and every one of us.
Acknowledging that sexual violence is almost never an anonymous act is scary to say the least and brings with it it's own set of additional trauma that we do not always discuss. When someone uses their position in ones life to extort, coerce or manipulate sexual acts, they are enacting such a specific kind of abuse. The betrayal that comes with this can be felt as embarrassing, not being able to see a warning sign and allow someone with those capabilities to 'fool' you. A feeling that myself and countless others are all too familiar with. This can be especially true when everyone today keeps their guards high, it is safe to say that we all know someone who has been made a victim and we do everything we can be prevent the same from happening to ourselves. But the truth is that covering your drink at a party, using the buddy system and buying bear spray can't protect us from the physical and emotional violation that our peers can inflict.
It is important to remember that although we can often be made to think that there are ranging severities of sexual violence, no one attack is less significant than others. This way of thinking can be twisted and used as a form a comfort because 'it could have been worse'. No matter what from the violence comes, you are valid and deserving of retribution. This is undeniably important to acknowledge but I want to take the time to focus on the emotional violation that walks in hand in hand with violence.
It is not uncommon for sexual violence to occur in the form of emotional coercion. Being made to feel as though you owe them something, manipulation and perversion of trust. Special events and holidays such as Valentines Day, birthdays, anniversaries and celebrations can be held over our heads. The connotation that occasions such as these are celebrations of love and friendship can have an undeniable implication of sex. Sex and love are often thought of as being tied together, when love is present sex should be present as well. This tie is a result of arbitrary expectations, something you just do. An even stronger tie though is that between sex and consent, sex should not exist without consent. All of these are contributing factors to having thoughts like "it's okay they didn't mean for me to be hurt" and "they just misunderstood signals". Being made to feel even remotely responsible for ones own pain and discomfort can be just as traumatizing as the physical act. If nothing else is taken away from this conversation trust that the infliction of abuse is never deserved or justifiable.
If you are someone you know has or is currently experiencing any form of sexual violence or sexual coercion provided are some resources that are available for anyone in need.
SAC Kingston (Sexual Assault Centre)
Phone: 1-877-544-6424. Available 24 hours Crisis Support.
Email: sack@sackingston.com
Located at 400 Elliott Avenue, Unit 1 (Rockcliffe Plaza) Kingston, Ontario, Canada.
Queen's University Sexual Violence Prevention and Response Coordinator, Barb Lotan.
Barb Lotan can aid in the healing process and assess potential next steps.
Email: bjl7@queensu.ca
Office Located at B502 Mackintosh-Corry Hall, Human Rights & Equity hallway.
Kingston Police (Non-Emergency Line)
Phone: (613) 549-4660
**In the event of an emergency always call 911 immediately or if on campus locate an emergency blue light.
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