India Ravenhearst
Let’s talk about the idea of consent. The strict definition, according to a quick google search, defines consent as “permission for something to happen or agreement to do something.” This, with regards to sex, is 100% true. Sexual advancements and actions should only be permissible by verbal agreement (I’m going to say that again, verbal agreement).
Many of us have learned about this idea starting in high school with the infamous “Consent is Like Tea” video [1]. Sex ed class was taught by a slightly uncomfortable gym teacher who spent more time showing pictures of infected genitalia than teaching us how to say 'no' when a situation surrounding consent arises. At this point in time, I had no experience regarding what consent would mean me to me or those around me.
As I grew older and started having my own sexual encounters, I began to understand more and more what consent meant. I learned about the “yes” or “no” idea, where if someone says "yes," they agree to the encounter, and if they say "no," then it’s not an option. What I hope to question throughout this article is whether all consensual actions can be boiled down to a simple "yes" or "no."
Personally, I think the “yes” or “no” approach is foundational. However, I believe that consensual actions should consist of more than saying yes: it should be an assurance that both parties are comfortable, with consideration to influencing factors, such as drugs or alcohol.
This is where the whole idea of “blurred lines” comes in (and no, not the song, although that is open for a whole other discussion). This conversation revolves around individuals not having the opportunity or the ability to think through whether or not they want to have a sexual encounter. Blurred lines can take many forms, from an individual persuading themselves that they want to have the encounter, to just remaining quiet and letting it take place. Even if there is a verbal “yes,” what about comfortability? What about coercion?
Let’s get into it. Coercion is defined as “the practice of persuading someone to do something by using force or threats.” This definition can be applied to the idea of blurred lines, as the use of persuasion or manipulation can take place. In an article written by Annie Rosenthal of HUFFPOST, she asks the questions “What does it mean to have an experience in which one engages in unwanted sex, but does not feel explicitly forced into the sex act? And why had 100 percent of the women I spoke with experienced this?”[2]. From her own gathered research of people that she has had conversations with, she is able to determine that there is a lack of language used to define such acts. Many individuals are left to try and understand whether or not they had been raped or sexually assaulted, or if they had consented by letting the act happen. At the end of the article, she discusses the idea of “grey area” or “blurry lines,” in hopes of further developing consensual language [3].
This is interesting to try to understand: we have defined consent as a whole through a verbal “yes,” but there are areas where we have yet to develop the language necessary to describe when an individual is put in a situation where they feel uncomfortable saying no. This grey area takes a personal toll on myself and many others whom I have had conversations about this idea with.
Perhaps by having these conversations and allowing ourselves to understand the foundational idea of consent, we can learn what it means to make each other feel comfortable when we are about to engage in sexual acts. Sex is personal, and even if it does not include emotions, it should include respect.
Let’s work on developing the sphere of language in consent, so that blurred lines and grey areas are no longer undefined. Consent as a “yes” or “no” is important, but so is comfortability.
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