Esmé Ariss
The ongoing conversations about consent, especially as it relates to sex, emerge out of a context where consent, choice, and agency are consistently disrespected. A quick fact check illuminates the sheer volume of people in Canada who have experienced various forms of unwelcome sexual behaviour. Some of these behaviours include unwanted physical contact, indecent exposure, and unsolicited sexual comments. For example, in 2018, “Almost 1 in 3 women and just over 1 in 8 men 15 years of age and older felt unsafe or uncomfortable due to unwanted sexual behaviour they experienced” (Stats Canada, 2018).
The rates of unwanted sexual behaviour increase for those who are doubly-marginalized; Indigenous women self-report dramatically higher rates of sexual assault than non-Indigenous women (Department of Justice, 2017). This data begs the question: what are we going to do to foster a consent culture moving forward? Furthermore, how do we create a social setting where people, especially those who are the most marginalized, live free of the constant threat and fear of sexual violence?
Developing a consent culture is intimately connected to resisting systems of oppression such as racism, sexism, queerphobia, and ableism. Sexual violence cannot be separated from these systems of oppression, especially in a framework where, historically, sexual violence has been used to dominate, terrorize, and oppress groups of people. We must consider how settlers to Turtle Island (a.k.a. Canada) used sexual violence as a colonial tool of violence against Indigenous people, particularly Indigenous women (Dhillon, pg 9, 2015). These connections should be taken into account in conversations surrounding sexual violence and, therefore, consent.
I suggest that developing a consent culture begins with children, and long before discussions center around sex and “the talk” (which, by the way, should be ongoing). The idea of consent is more far-reaching than sexual behaviour on its own. Consent concerns respect for boundaries and is about agency of choice in all contexts, sexual and non-sexual. This is something that we can teach children at a young age by modelling respectful behaviour and engaging in conversations about respect. We can teach our young that respecting other people’s choices and boundaries is just another part of living in good relation with one another. Not only will children learn to respect other people, but they are empowered to make reasoned decisions about their own body autonomy and broader agency. A Washington Post article by Amber Leventry highlighted the importance of teaching children, and encouraged parents to “send them into the world with respect for all bodies and an understanding of how consent works and why it is important. The nuances of communicating our wants and then hearing the response or seeing it in a person’s body language during nonsexual situations are lessons we can teach our kids now so that later, when the stakes are higher, they already have the tools to build safe sexual relationships” (Leventry, 2020).
You might be wondering how you can have conversations about, and model consent for the (future) little ones in your life. Here are some examples:
Ask children before you touch them. While I am sure that many times the answer will be yes, it is important to teach children that they choose when, where, and how people touch their bodies.
Maintain your own boundaries. For example, "right now my back is hurting, but I would love to give you a piggyback when it is feeling better." This is a great way to teach children how to respect the choices of others (especially when the answer is no).
Have conversations with children about expressing their feelings of discomfort. This will foster an environment where they feel confident in speaking up when they are uncomfortable.
In non-negotiable contexts (doctors’ appointments, getting dressed, brushing teeth) try to give children some choice within these situations: “Which part of your body would you like the doctor to look at first?”; “Would you like to help me choose your clothes today?”; “We have to brush our teeth to keep them healthy! Would you like to choose which toothpaste we use today?”
These are seemingly small steps but are significant in nurturing children in ways that promote consent culture. When we teach children to respect others and assert themselves by defining their own boundaries, we are preparing them for decision-making around sexual consent. Children who live in good relations with one another will develop into adults who can enjoy healthy relationships, sexual or otherwise.
P.S. Check out this wonderful resource for all things Sex Ed. If you click “Browse Topics” on the homepage there is a section on consent: https://sexpositivefamilies.com/
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