India Ravenhearst
Last year, I had the opportunity to sit down and write an article about what we can
understand to be the “gray areas” of consensual language. I think that being in a position now where I’ve had conversation with young adults about experiences they had been through, alongside my own personal experiences, I want to broaden this narrative even further.
I’m sure we have heard of the word “coerce”. According to the google definition, it
means “to persuade (an unwilling person) to do something by using force or threats”, or
“obtain (something) by using force or threats.” This word, in relation to sex or sexual activity,
has been something I have had a hard time grappling with.
We all know consent is defined as “an enthusiastic yes”, as our club tends to state in its
definition. I think that the emphasis on enthusiastic needs to be explained, which I hope in this article does.
An enthusiastic yes. Okay, some people may look at that as a “yes!!! I would love to
have sex with you!” True, that is consent. But for me, I know that it does not always work like
that in moments where someone feels uncomfortable. I am not trying to say that people need to be mind-readers when they are about to engage in sexual activities with another, which is a point that has been brought up in conversations I’ve had.
I am simply trying to state that consent is about comfortability as well. Truthfully,
discussing personal experiences with sex (however you define it) with friends or in reflecting in personal choices I have made, no one really talks about how engaging in sex has the stigma of being awkward if you were to change your mind.
Let’s provide an example. You just downloaded Tinder, and you match with someone
and agree to go over to their place. There’s the implication just through downloading the app that you’re down to have sex, (which is a stigma for another article) and you realize upon
meeting the person and maybe even kissing them that you don’t want to have sex. In a lot of
cases, even when feeling this urgency to not do anything, people still engage in sexual activity for the sake of worrying about the other losing interest, or just because there does not seem like another option.
I’m here to argue that discussing boundaries or communicating the fact that someone
does not want to have sex with another should not be responded to with disappointment. This initiates a gray area, like consensual language, where people sacrifice their personal
comfortability for the sake of how the other person would respond. I’m here to say that
consent is also creating a place where people can feel comfortable with one another.
Another example of how this can be done. John and Anne meet each other at a club.
They dance, and John agrees to go back to Anne’s place. Upon going to Anne’s place, John and Anne’s conversation initiates a steamy (ouu) kiss. However, John realizes that he does not want to have sex, but Anne has already talked to him about how there’s no pressure, and they will see where the night takes them. Therefore, John feels comfortable to say, “hey, maybe not tonight.” Anne responds with “Oh my god, no worries. Let’s just watch a movie instead.”
See? Anne is not disappointed; Anne does not want to discontinue her time with John
simply because him not wanting to have sex with her. But, if they had initially agreed it was just going to be a sex thing, Anne would still not act pissed. She would be understanding.
Scenarios aside, sex is not only better when you feel comfortable with someone, but it
also is better when there is communication. Making the other person feel like they are able to communicate, without the pressure of the other feeling upset or talking shit if they decide not to engage in sexual activity is another facet of consent I really feel like gets lost in the narrative of “yes” and “no”.
In this sense, coercement can also pertain to this gray area I am discussing. When
someone is coercing another into engaging in sexual activity with them, it is creating an
environment where the other feels like they are not able to say “no”. This is not okay. If you
ever act disappointed or don’t bring up, “hey, does this feel good for you?”, or “do you want to do this” before or while having sex with another, you need to take a minute and think about whether or not you’ve created an environment where the other person feels comfortable.
Stop thinking consent is an awkward task to do and stop acting disappointed if the other person does not want to have sex. Ask questions, make the other person feel comfy. It’s way hotter, trust me.
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