CHARLOTTE CAMERON-HAMILTON & REBECCA WILSON
Today we see a growth in awareness around social issues, reflected in an increase in media attention and interpersonal conversations about topics such as body image, mental health, peer pressure, and consent. However, disparities exist in how self-identifying men and self-identifying women are involved in these conversations. Unfortunately, men are often not as included as women in conversations that require someone to be more emotionally vulnerable due to what is colloquially known as ‘toxic masculinity’ – the pressure residing on men to be hyper-masculine.
Recognizing this disparity, New York Times Bestselling author Peggy Orenstein researched the young male’s perspective on these topics and compiled her findings in a book title Boys & Sex. Although her writing generally focuses on current topics like hookup culture, love, porn, sex, and consent, this book is her first about boys. Over the past two years, Orenstein conducted her research by interviewing young men as she worked on her book, which she published in January of 2020. Incredibly, Orenstein managed to encompass a demographic that encompassed gay, straight, and transgender men, ages sixteen to twenty-two across numerous races, religions, and economic backgrounds. Additionally, I was impressed by Orenstein’s self-awareness; She consistently discussed how her gender might affect her writing or the meetings she had with the boys. Furthermore, she made it clear that the book is not conclusive or fully encompassing – which would be virtually impossible. Although centered around young boys, the book discusses how adults and women are relevant to the current climate with men and hyper-masculinity. Hence, at many times the book applies to any reader.
With regard to consent, the book discusses the topic frequently. The ideas presented range from boys giving consent, listening to consent from others, and their conversations about consent. Unsurprisingly, boys don’t often discuss consent with each other. Although not all women do either, Orenstein makes it clear that boys don’t discuss this topic with each other when very relevant. For example, when the Kavanaugh story was all over the news in America, the boys Orenstein interviewed said they never discussed the Kavanaugh situation with their self-identifying male friends, but did with their self-identifying girl friends. The book also outlines that although discussions around consent are becoming prioritized in all demographics, many boys partake in consensual sex only to avoid getting in trouble, not because they value listening to their partner. Additionally, the book discusses the mental, emotional, and physical damages that are associated with toxic masculinity. Early in the book Orenstein states:
“Young men who most internalize masculine norms are six times more likely than others both to report having sexually harassed girls and to have bullied other guys. They are also more likely to have themselves been victims of verbal or physical violence.”
Although broad, this statement outlines the effects of pushing harmful masculine qualities on young boys for both the men themselves and the people around them.
Overall, Orenstein’s book is thoughtful and enlightening. The biggest take away from the book is the dire need for the hyper-masculine norms pushed on boys from birth (intentionally and unintentionally) to be dissolved, for their emotional, mental, and physical health. But it’s publication also shows how steps are being taken to ensure boys can feel comfortable, happy, and included in sensitive conversations.
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