Andie Winsor
Trigger Warning: Sexual Assault
Sexual violence of any kind is abhorrent, and the fact that this article has to exist is deeply saddening. I am sending all of my love to your loved one, and I am there for you both, even though I may not know you personally. Before taking any action suggested in this article, remember to talk to the person you wish to support, see if they are feeling open to discussing these topics with you, and see if these points resonate with them.
1. Ask your loved one what they do and do not need. Not every person needs the same thing to cope with traumatic experiences; some people may want to talk about what happened, and others may prefer to spend quality time with someone who loves and supports them, without getting into detail. Don’t be afraid to ask them what they need, what makes them feel supported, and inversely, what would make them feel invalidated. For example, you could ask your loved one, “What language should I use when I talk about what happened to you; i.e. sexual violence, sexual harassment, sexual assault, rape, the ‘experience,’etc.?” “Do you want me to ask you how you are doing, or would you like to come to me when you need to talk about your feelings?” If your loved one knows the name of the person or persons that sexually violated them, you could ask them, “would you like to make up a code name for that person/those people?”
2. Show your loved one to different types of resources that may be helpful for them. Remind your loved one that you are not trying to push them away, but in case they want to talk about their experience anonymously or privately, tell them about resources such as Kingston’s Sexual Assault Centre (SAC), available through their website at
https://www.sackingston.com, or by phone at 1-877-544-6424. Some resources for survivors such as events hosted by Consensual Humans offer a safe space for people to make friends with similar beliefs and values.
3. Unfollow their perpetrator on social media, and do not remain friendly.
Make sure to ask your friend in advance if they are comfortable with you doing this, or if this is the right time for you to unfollow their offender. Sexual violence is not something to have a neutral stance on; if you do not vehemently condemn someone’s abuser(s), then you are actively supporting them. In the past, I have had “friends” remain Instagram followers and Facebook friends of the individual who abused me. Common excuses as to why this was the case included: “I want to keep up to date with them and see what they are doing,” or “just because I am friends with them on Facebook doesn’t mean we’re friends in real life.” Their words invalidated the pain I was experiencing, and even made me question my own sanity and judgement. It’s safe to say that these people are no longer my friends.
4. Do not remain friendly or be friends with people who have been accused of sexual violence.
Remaining friends with or acting friendly towards people who have been accused of sexual violence emboldens the perpetrator; it shows them that they can commit these crimes and suffer no social consequences.
5. Remind your loved one that they are NOT responsible for the sexual violence they have experienced.
When someone decides to commit an act of sexual violence, that is their independent decision that they are responsible for; the person they commit the crime against is not responsible whatsoever. When I was sexually assaulted, I thought, what can I change so that this does not happen to me again? But in reality, there is nothing that I can change; someone decided to abuse me, and that is entirely their fault.
6. Remind your loved one that it doesn’t have to “be worse” to be bad. “But it could have been worse;” I have caught myself saying this, and I have noticed others say this when they finish sharing their story with me. Remind your loved one that what happened to them was unacceptable, and that the way they feel is evidence enough that what they experienced was “bad enough.”
7. Refuse to forgive artists, celebrities, businesses, and people that perpetuate or engage in sexually or physically violent behaviour. Here is the sign you needed to finally delete Chris Brown from your iTunes library. Refuse to socially or financially support any abusers, no matter how catchy their songs are, or how much you admire their work. Your money and time count as a vote towards that person and their behaviours and beliefs.
8. If it is safe to do so, call out others when they objectify, sexualize, harass or fetishize people or groups of people.
It is vital to remember that what happened to your loved one is not an isolated incident. When it is safe to do so, stand up to people who partake in discriminatory behaviour, or use “dark humour” as an excuse for their bigotry.
If you or a loved one are currently or have experienced sexual violence, resources provided below are available to help pursue criminal charges, social and community support.
SAC Kingston (Sexual Assault Centre)
Phone: 1-877-544-6424. Available 24 hours Crisis Support.
Email: sack@sackingston.com
Located at 400 Elliott Avenue, Unit 1 (Rockcliffe Plaza) Kingston, Ontario, Canada.
Queen's University Sexual Violence Prevention and Response Coordinator, Barb Lotan.
Barb Lotan can aid in the healing process and assess potential next steps.
Email: bjl7@queensu.ca
Office Located at B502 Mackintosh-Corry Hall, Human Rights & Equity hallway.
Kingston Police (Non-Emergency Line)
Phone: (613) 549-4660
**In the event of an emergency always call 911 immediately or if on campus locate an emergency blue light.
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