The sexuality and experiences of people are so incredibly diverse and broad. However, in the lead up to Valentine’s day, the onslaught of social media posts loaded with sex tips and advice to “spice up your sex life” was overwhelming. Although there are countless ways to safely step out of your comfort zone, when it comes to sexual encounters, one common way is incorporating more BDSM play in the bedroom.
BDSM stands for Bondage Discipline Sadism and Masochism, although it is sometimes referred to as Bondage Domination Submission and Masochism instead. It is one of the most common fetishes (although you don’t need to have a BDSM fetish to engage in BDSM play), where nearly 47% of women and 60% of men have fantasized about dominating someone sexually. BDSM play can range from relatively mild to very extreme. Most commonly associated with BDSM are activities such as choking, striking (spanking, flogging, whips, etc.), bondage (handcuffs, rope use, gagging, etc.), sensation play (ice cubes, wax play, etc.), humiliation, and orgasm control. These activities can be quite distressing for many people and can be dangerous, so it is common practice to implement a ‘safeword’ when partaking in BDSM play. A safeword can mean different things for every person, and could also be an action if someone’s ability to speak will be hindered by the activities. To most, saying a safeword means that whatever is happening will cease. Essentially, it is another way to say “no.”
This system can work for many, especially those with trusted partners, but for those who find BDSM distressing, those who have a history of abuse, or those who are just nervous when it comes to sex, is a implementing a safe word enough? Is lack of using the safe word during sexual activities enough consent? By definition, consent should be an enthusiastic “yes.” Just because “no” is not said, does not mean consent is given. So, in more distressing situations, or where one’s ability to speak is impeded, what other measures can be considered in order to ensure that all activities are completely consensual? The answer is different for everyone, but discussing with your partner is always a good start when planning to explore together. Essentially, in a society where sexual violence and peer pressure are prevalent, how can we limit sexual violence when incorporating BDSM play?
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