Brenda Silbergleit
Think of an experience where you (or women you know) have been asked how you expect to be respected if you don't respect yourself. How often is the "self disrespect" in reference to your perceived sexual openness or promiscuity? Now, ask yourself whether self-respect and respect from other people are the same; I would argue they are completely different things. The woman in question is asking for the respect of fellow human beings, while the respect she allegedly denies herself is society's way of controlling her behaviour and body for the comfort of others, so they do not have to face her sexuality as a part of her.
The Madonna-whore complex is a modern term for psychic impotence, a term first coined by Sigmund Freud, which described an alleged dichotomy in men; men view women either as perfect "Madonna" figures, who are allowed complexity and emotion, or as "whores," sexual deviants who are quite one-dimensional in their lust. Freud determined that men loved the Madonna and desired the whore, but the two archetypes could not be intertwined. This theory is still applicable today, as there is a stereotypical loss of sexual desire for women with whom men have formed emotionally intimate connections, and vice versa (thus popularizing the concept of a one night stand). It is a categorization system into “the pure vs the tainted, the nurturing vs the depraved, the respected versus the desired,” which women feel the majority of in their relationships and interactions with men.
Let's look at an example. Have you ever heard of a man who is in a stable relationship with a woman but looking for a little fun outside their relationship because "the sex just isn't there"? Could that be because he is unable to maintain sexual desire for someone he respects, as he sees sex as something degrading to the woman's morality? While not always true, this is sometimes the case. As another example, oftentimes men describe not being able to look at their wives the same way during pregnancy or after birth, because her body is no longer an object of his desire; her body is now directly related to a child. For some people, sexual relationships might become unsatisfying, as women may be anxious to express a desire for sex, which often creates conflict within a relationship.
This dichotomy doesn’t play out just in the bedroom, but in the way women carry themselves in the world. Every community with stereotypes around them is somewhat conscious of those stereotypes, and individuals often make efforts to defy them. So, it makes sense that women would conduct themselves differently to avoid being perceived in a way that society has collectively decided is terrible. The Madonna-whore complex in all of us has made us believe that it is impossible to be a kind, considerate, intelligent, generous, and composed woman while also being sexually empowered. This leads to many men and women believing that a woman’s “body count” will somehow affect her ability to be a good partner, friend, or mother. We see women lying about their sexual experience to have a better chance of being perceived for who they actually are rather than based on the character traits associated with the “whore.” We see men actively seeking out women they view as virginal and innocent (which sometimes corresponds with seeking out younger and younger women/girls, which is in itself problematic) because they cannot imagine loving a woman who understands and embraces her sexuality. We treat women who openly enjoy safe sex as lacking in respect for themselves, as though seeking pleasure will somehow do harm to them and makes them unlovable to others. In one way or another, we all play into the categorization of women into these two restrictive boxes.
This isn’t all to say that women’s liberation from the Madonna-whore complex requires women to immediately force themselves to fit the sexual mould sitting opposite the complex. We do not have to become sexually open and promiscuous to experience liberation, as liberation exists in the freedom of choosing where we want to sit for ourselves. The Madonna-whore complex attempts to tell us through our relationships, the media, our social education, etc., that the table has only two seats for women: the kind virgin and the disreputable whore. In reality, though, the table has an infinite number of seats, each with its own complex combination of traits that humans are made of. None of them are reserved exclusively for men or women or anyone in between or outside that spectrum. When women try to shape their sexuality into the impossible image that men expect of us (and we expect of each other), we will only suffer. The fact is, humans are not so simple. We cannot be just one thing or the other. We are all an intricate combination of experiences and personalities and emotions packed into one body brimming with potential, which is what the Madonna-whore complex fails to understand.
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