Anonymous
*** Trigger warning. This post contains content discussing sexual assault ***
I was sexually assaulted in my first year at Queen’s. I met the boy when he sat next to me in a tutorial and soon we became members of the same group. I had a huge crush on him. He added me on social media and eventually we started to text and Snapchat about things besides our homework. He seemed really nice, and I was really hopeful that something real would come of this after a string of bad tinder dates. One night, we were texting and discovered we were both really into wine. We decided to have a wine and cheese night. I was slightly unsure if this was a good idea, as I didn’t want this to turn into a one-night stand. However, I had been told by 3 different people earlier in the week that he was a “super nice guy”. These comments all came out of the blue. I talked to my best friends and decided to go through with it but that I wouldn’t sleep with him that night, since it was our first time being alone together and I wanted to take things slowly. To add to my resolve, I purposely did not shave my legs and I wore my old, period underwear. I had no intention of sleeping with him. He came over to my res room, we opened some wine, and that’s when things slipped out of my control. He would fill my glass of wine up every time I finished it, telling me to drink more, to keep up with him. Pretty soon, I was completely drunk. Eventually, he kissed me and I was so drunk I put up no resistance. He was strong, and he quickly was on top of me, taking my pants off. It was hard to say no with his hand around my throat and his whole weight on top of me. I put up no resistance. Eventually, he finished and he left my room before I could even get off the bed. We never spoke about that night, and I never texted him again.
I was so confused about what had happened. I felt very violated because I had made a conscious effort not to sleep with him. I knew that I didn’t want to sleep with him before, during or after it happened, but I was hesitant to use the words rape and sexual assault. I had had a crush on him, everyone had told me he was a nice guy, he had been drinking too, and I didn’t want to admit how much this happening had bothered me. I thought that calling it rape was overreacting. I also thought that people wouldn’t believe me if I told them the boy I invited over to my room and had planned to drink with had taken advantage of me and made me do something I didn’t want to do.
So, I moved on and decided not to make a big deal about it. I am very lucky because I haven’t had to deal with consequences that many other survivors of sexual assault deal with. This is likely due to privilege and a very strong support system. I didn’t have significant post-traumatic stress, besides anxiety when I see him. I have been able to develop a healthy, 2-year relationship with an amazing man who ironically came over and comforted me while I was crying the night this happened. I was able to compartmentalize. I convinced myself that I was fine. Until I found out it happened to someone else too.
In passing, one of my housemates told me that she knew him. I asked her how. She told me one of her friends had had a bad night with him in first year. He bought her drink after drink at the bar, then once she was very intoxicated, went over to her res room, stripped her, had sex with her and left while she was still naked in bed. She said her friend had felt confused and uncomfortable but had never done anything about it. This shocked me. This wasn’t a one-time, I-got-so-drunk-I-forgot-how-consent-isn’t-the-absence-of-a-“no” error. My feelings were not an overreaction. This was a pattern. This was a choice he made and repeated because he got the outcome he wanted. And both times, he suffered no consequences. He could be in jail right now, but because I did nothing, he is travelling abroad in Europe. He could have a criminal record of sexual assault right now, but because I did nothing, he will not fail a police check. I did nothing, and I will never know how many other girls he did this to.
My goal in writing this is to tell people that this is not something that only happens in movies, or in other countries, or to people you don’t know. It happens here. If you think that consent is the absence of a no, you are wrong. Educate yourself on what constitutes consent if you are unsure. Consent matters. Also, if this ever does happen to you, don’t be afraid to speak about it. Seek out professional support, support from friends, family, or whoever you feel comfortable talking with. Do not invalidate your emotions and minimize what happened. The right answer is not always to press charges and go through a trial. Please remember that if you choose not to press charges, that does not mean that what happened was okay. Dealing with this in a way that makes you the most comfortable is your right and does not invalidate the fact that this was unacceptable. It’s important to know that you can feel however you want to feel. It’s your body. It’s your call.
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