Danielle Shankman
Content Warning: This article contains discussion of sexual pressure that may be found emotionally triggering to some readers.
Stop having sex with sexists. Yes, I said that, yes I'm calling you out.
To begin, here is a made up example that is based on real experience amongst peers I have spoken to.
Ok, so you're at a bar. You make eye contact with some sweaty 6ft tall, backwards hat, vineyard vines wearing guy from across the dance floor. He comes over, leans down to ask your name while simultaneously putting his hand on your hip. He offers to get you a drink. No Queens girl turns down a free drink and so the two of you make your way to the bar. He compliments your eyes while looking at your tits, flirts with the female bartender before ordering two Jager bombs (because why would he actually ask what drink YOU want). He impressively manages to make sexual innuendos, blame the loud music for him breathing down your neck and joke about how revealing your outfit is all within a 5 min span. He then grabs your ass and in shock, you just laugh it off and stumble away uncomfortably. You thank him for the drink and go off to meet your friends to dance to the Rihanna song that just began to play. Now while leaving should seem super simple and you'd think the social cues would suggest you weren't interested beyond the drink, Mr. Vineyard Vines doesn't really get that. He follows you to the dance floor and stands behind you hovering begging for attention. He tries pushing up against you as you dance. You give your girlfriends “the stare” (we all know which one) and they try to usher you away. He stares occasionally at you throughout the rest of the night, while you avoid him and cling to your friends until you eventually go home. You tell some friends the next day and discuss his behaviour to which some respond “oh but he was so hot”, “He was just being nice” or “that's what all guys are like it's how they flirt”. You drop the conversation.
There are loads of red flags throughout this scenario and at the end of the day, none of them can be excused on account of being attractive or it being considered conventional. In reality, this is a super uncomfortable situation that many women have experienced to some degree or another. Accepting a drink is not an invitation to be touched or an assumption that its anything more than being friendly, however, the culture that perpetuates this behaviour says otherwise.
I feel like so many women, not out of ignorance but rather patriarchal pressure, look past this kind of behaviour and go off to date or hookup with these types of guys. I can certainly say I used to be one of them. The behaviour of the man in my example is held to a standard of expectation at this point. Labelled as being precocious and outgoing, instead of creepy and assuming. There is a fucked up standard to accept this behaviour as normal. To overlook when your hookup makes an offhand sexist joke, silently nod along as they sexualize you or even go home with them because “He was nice and it wasn't a big deal”. This is a standard that is rooted in patriarchal power and the complicity of women in rape culture. To this, I say stop having sex with sexists. You can do so much better.
Our society and the media continue to romanticize the archetype of the macho frat boy or the preppy business guy that seems so overconfident with their flirting techniques that they are blind to the discomfort they create. Now it's not solely these types of men who engage in this behaviour, and being in a frat or a business program does not mean you behave like this either. I am rather suggesting that the culture that promotes this behaviour also exemplifies it through these archetypes. Of course, this is not exclusionary to them and is/can be acted out by all individuals with sexist mindsets. The important part of this conversation is recognizing that this behaviour IS in fact sexist.
This kind of behaviour is sexist and whether or not the individual acting on it realizes it, it's unhealthy and harmful. We need to reestablish the way women should be treated in all environments as well as spotlight the standards we hold.
Keep others accountable as well as yourself. We are better than sexists.
Provided below are some resources that may be helpful if yourself or someone you know is struggling with a scenario such as the one described above.
SAC Kingston (Sexual Assault Centre)
Phone: 1-877-544-6424. Available 24 hours Crisis Support.
Email: sack@sackingston.com
Located at 400 Elliott Avenue, Unit 1 (Rockcliffe Plaza) Kingston, Ontario, Canada.
Queen's University Sexual Violence Prevention and Response Coordinator, Barb Lotan.
Barb Lotan can aid in the healing process and assess potential next steps.
Email: bjl7@queensu.ca
Office Located at B502 Mackintosh-Corry Hall, Human Rights & Equity hallway.
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